(Disclaimer, this is part real news and part creative writing, much like most mainstream media reports about Vick, dog fighting, pit bulls, etc. It is not to be taken seriously. Everybody knows that Vick was railroaded, PeTA fronts for terrorists, and the Bible says God likes His animals sacrificed! After all, not even Michael Vick could smoke enought pot to hold the hand that goes with this face...)
Michael Vick recently accepted an invitation from PETA and attended an eight-hour course on animal cruelty at the group's Virginia headquarters, according to the animal-rights group......At least, that is what it was supposed to be."When we met, i was prepared to dislike him since he is everything against which I stand...but something about him, an essential kindness, and the scent of his aftershave lotion, cut right through my defenses..." Said Ingrid, blushing faintly and smoothing her hair.Says Vick, "The last thing I needed now was some animal rights woman PREACHING to me, like I am not already up to my neck in preaching. And she is nothing to look at, but the moment our eyes met, I could see there was SOMETHING about her which spoke directly into a corner of my soul, before which I had no idea even existed!' He added, "it was like a visitation from the Holy Ghost, roomie!"PETA assistant director Dan Shannon said when Vick completed the course, he was given material to take home and study. Shannon said Vick returned to the offices on a later day to take a test on the things he'd learned, which he passed. Though PETA officials are still pressing for jail time for Vick, Shannon did say everyone was impressed with the seriousness with which Vick approached his classes.They were also impressed to see the couple holding hands and exchanging intimate glances."He seemed nervous at first," Shannon said, "but he seemed really interested."Says Vick, "Yeah, that pretty much sums up the way it was between me and Ingrid when we first met..."Vick's attorneys were not immediately available to comment on PETA's account of Vick's attending the class. The NFL also did not immediately return a call for comment.However, unnamed sources have reported a request by the NFL players for Ingrid's phone number, to which Vick merely shrugs, and says, if they get it, it will not be from him.And that he will be opening a serious can of WHUPASS if it is leaked.Vick, the disgraced Atlanta Falcons quarterback, faces up to five years in prison and awaits sentencing after pleading guilty in a federal dogfighting case. He is scheduled to be sentenced Dec. 10. He recently was ordered confined to his Virginia home after testing positive for marijuana -- a violation of the conditions of his release while awaiting sentencing. The urine sample was submitted Sept. 13, according to federal court records."What can I say? If I were wealthy, I would be drinking single malt scotch. All I had was some left over doobies and a case of the nerves like you would not believe, I mean, would you take a PILL to feel better? I did not have any pills."Vick also has been indicted on state charges of beating or killing or causing dogs to fight other dogs and engaging in or promoting dogfighting. Each felony is punishable by up to five years in prison. His arraignment on those charges is set for Oct. 3.Says Vick, "I would like to see the stud muffin who could face down THIS without a doobie or SOMETHING!" Vick's attorneys were quit to squelch this, and said it was a misunderstanding and his client spoke out in haste.Vick's representatives were first approached by PETA president Ingrid Newkirk. After an initial exploratory meeting involving Vick, Newkirk and Shannon, the quarterback agreed to attend a class, which he did on Sept. 18, PETA said."It was the happiest moment in my life, it almost made all this other stuff with the law, seem worth it, because when you are united with your other self, the soul which completes you, NOTHING is to high a price to pay!" said Vick, visibly moved and barely able to contain tears.According to PETA, Vick's day was specifically planned for him, and it focused on animal protection and empathy. First, he was given an overview of animal protection, then a session that laid out the scientific evidence for animals' ability to feel happiness, sadness and pain.Vick agrees with this statement, and reveals his perfect white teeth in a grin."I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole, if you get my drift!" he says, laughing on camera for the first time since the beginning of the ordeal.In the initial meeting, PETA said Vick had mentioned wanting to speak to school children, so he was shown the program they normally do at schools. He saw police training tapes that describe links between violence toward animals and violence toward humans. An entire session was based on Christian teachings about the treatment of animals."And if I have strayed from my Christian roots, I will return to them, for HE forgives all who repent in sincerity" said Vick, whose normal bling was reduced to a large but tasteful crucifix."He seemed to get the most out of that," Shannon said. "He was blown away by how much the Bible had to say about animals."When asked for comment, Vick doubled over with laughter, and was ushered out of the room by his attorneys and others, with Ingrid clutching his arm.
